Some of you may know I have been sick for a few days now (over a weekend so I haven't missed much work but I'm sure some people view that as an extended weekend) and just got some medicine to help the symptoms. I open the package of nasal decongestant and with no surprise popped two out of their bubble wrap and easily swallowed them with a touch of water. If Dr. Hart is reading this it might come at some surprise to him that I was able to accomplish this task, swallowing a small tablet. Michael was not always a MD mind you, he was once my roommate. After one of my stunts which hadn't ended quite as I expected, I was laid up with a need for taking what I would consider some large pills. It seems fitting that he has gone into Emergency medicine you see, no warm fuzzy bedside for him, he just tells you what he sees, tells it as it IS!
As I said, there we were, roommates, I in the kitchen over the sink and he lazily reclined on the couch trying to drown out my whimpers of dreadful anticipation as I stared down this behemoth of a pill. It must have been the size of my thumb, my thumb to the 2nd knuckle! It took me about five minutes to summon enough courage to conquer the compressed powder foe sitting there in my hand. I drew in a deep breath so I would have 30-60 secs before I loss consciousness once this horse pill had lodged itself permanently in my esophagus. I put the pill on my tongue and began to slowly fill my mouth with water. I hesitated, swallowed, but alas, the pill was still in my mouth! Now beginning to taste the sickening bitter flavor of medicine I wondered if it was worth it. I decided to just go for it... I started gulping wildly at the water which, as expected, took up residence in my throat atop the now partially swallowed and stuck pill. Water spewed out of my mouth with the rush of air from my lungs, so quickly out, so so slowly in. I wheezed in some air and let out a yelp which went unanswered. I mustered the ability to weep, "I'm dying" to which Mike replied, "You're not dying if you can talk"... I guess he had a point as I'm here writing this today.
Fast forward to present day. I open my 2nd pack of drugs and the aforementioned story and emotions came flooding back! There they were, a "tin foil" backed package of overly large pills mocking me. Sure these are different drugs, but locked in the same infernal delivery system!
Not wanting a repeat of the scene of nearly a decade earlier, I decided to ready myself. I closed the door to the dishwasher so I could make a clean break out of the kitchen, I moved a chair near the phone so I could attempt self abdominal thrusts before dialing 911 on the land line hanging on the wall. I decided it would be best to use milk to escort the pill down as opposed to water since the harbinger of death came sans gelatin coating from this drug manufacturer! I then gave it the first go... same result as ten years ago, my tongue filtered out the foreign object. I decided to add some distraction to the mix, a bowl of cereal, Honey Bunches of Oats to be exact. The theory of all the little sharp edged half chewed flakes and clusters would allow the pill to pass my tongue seemed like a perfect solution! I pored the bowl, coarsely chewed the cereal, drew a similarly deep breath, loaded the pill onto my tongue, grabbed the drink and gulped with all my force.
What happened next is so anti climactic I contemplated not writing any of this at it. The pill was swallowed without drama. The second pill followed the first with even less effort.
Once my breathing slowed and the adrenaline had passed I calmly replaced the chair and sat down, happy to be alive but dreading that 12hr dose recommendation.
